I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
