How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Boobs speak an international language.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize