You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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