I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize