Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
