When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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