I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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