Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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