i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
