i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
