Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
