that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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