if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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