Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
