Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
How does it feel to date your dad?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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