That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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