as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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