I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
