even my farts smell like vagina
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We just shotgunned beers for America
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
