my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
