Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
