I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
