mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
