Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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