I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
