My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
