I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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