I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
