Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
