Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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