Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
