brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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