Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
this beer tastes like vomit already
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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