My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
