she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
