I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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