I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
