my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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