my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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