we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
