I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
