He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
