Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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