did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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