Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
