On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
