I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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