Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
God I need to hump something, right now.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
