i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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