Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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