btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
