I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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