That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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