My nipple is on Facebook.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
