one two three fourrrrnication!
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You made out with two different species that night
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Randomize
