I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How does it feel to date your dad?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
