why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Blood and glitter go together right?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
