my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
this hospital has no fireball
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
