Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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