yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
