My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
