Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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