Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
