just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
