Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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