Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
