if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
