He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
